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VICTORY IS OURS!!!
I apologize for the vulgarly excessive capitalization and punctuation in this blog title, "friends,"* but I can barely contain myself! In fact, I thought some of myself may have escaped upon hearing Judge Mead read the verdict, but since my successful 2003 false-advertising suit against Nev-R-Leke Adult Briefs, Inc., that is no longer a problem. But I digress.
"Friends,"** the jury's wise decision to declare Chad at Alltel guilty of Gross Negligence and Misuse of Consensual Geometric Practices within the Wireless Realm has reaffirmed my belief that America is still a place where morals and decency still reign supreme. Where good, old-fashioned values are still the law of the land. Where the principles of our forefathers have not yet genuflected before the altar of the almighty dollar, to be bought and sold by the lowest common denominator's highest bidder.
And now, without further ado, let's divvy up the damages!
Judge Mead has awarded the People Against My Circle Foundation the sum of $2.53, which, when divided evenly among our class-action litigants, bestows upon each member a total of 0.3 cents. Deducting each member's share of the legal costs from that sum means that each of you owes me $2,364.28. My attorney will be contacting each member individually to arrange for payment, but don't sweat the details of all that paperwork and bean-countery now, it's time to celebrate! You will have at least 30 days to remit payment before I start sending out subpoenas, so let the champagne corks fly!***
On behalf of People Against My Circle Foundation, this is Edward Maxwell Von Houten saying you're welcome!
*No, I absolutely will not hug you, even though my head is giddy with the sweet fumes of litigious satisfaction.
**Shake your hand?! Have you ever seen a swabbing of the average doorknob under a microscope? Enough said.
***Aim champagne bottle away from face. I, Edward Maxwell Von Houten, shall not be held liable for any cork-related injuries.