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Is deliberation even necessary, folks?
"Friends,"* the time has come. We have done all that we can. We have fought the good fight. The testimony has all been weighed in, and my attorney has cashed all of his checks. Sure, I've spent tens of thousands of dollars (hey, those 3D laser machines aren't cheap), but you just can't put a price tag on the values that we as Americans hold dear. Only Judge Mead can assign that price tag, and only after the jury finds Chad at Alltel guilty of "Gross Negligence and Misuse of Consensual Geometric Practices within the Wireless Realm," which I have complete confidence that they will.
You see, I still have faith in the America of my forefathers, a land of law, order, and good old-fashioned values. A land where Truth and Justice are not just meaningless words to be capitalized for emphasis. When we are bombarded day in and day out with the nauseating images of our popular culture on the television, internets and now even mobile phones, it is often hard to remember that not every citizen of this land is a fat, lazy, ignorant, pimply-faced dullard interested only in hair products, crunchy snacks, and the latest electronic noisemaker. I know for a fact that there are at least several dozen of you out there in this great nation--those members of my class-action suit--who do not fall into this category. And it is my unflappable conviction that there are at least 12 more people out there who are not a complete waste of carbon molecules--those paragons of our society comprising the jury, who will hand us the carved turkey of victory on the silver platter of justice!
I'm sure there are a few brain-dead automatons out there who don't fully grasp the dire global consequences of being able to call whomever one pleases for free, no matter what network those people are on. Ninnies who are actually for My Circle. Harebrained-yet-vocal friends of Chad who could potentially sway the jury vote against us. But "Friends,"** this is when we must trust natural selection to take its course, for surely some beeping, shiny object will pop up, distracting them long enough for "the munchies" to set in, by which time they'll have completely forgotten to register for jury duty.
So, if you're one of Chad's friends who's inadvertently wandered in and phonetically sounded out enough words to actually reach the end of this blog... what's that near the top of your screen? Is that a dancing monkey? Go ahead and punch it, you can win a prize!
*No, I will not water your plants while you're out of town. We're not friends like that.
**Seriously. Just water them really well before you leave, I'm sure they'll be fine.