Orange guy earns orange jumpsuit

Friends*, my probably soon-to-be-fired image consultant may have overdone it a bit with this week's podcast, but there really is a danger in feeling sorry for Chad's little orange friend Jack. Don't get me wrong, being bombarded with microwave radiation, or toxic waste, or whatever other funnypapers-worthy industrial accident caused him to end up like that was no picnic, I'm sure. But simply put, that blob was held in contempt because he's contemptible.

Now, before you go accusing me of being prejudiced, it's not because of his orange skin, mind you--one of my Friends* from a previous case, Melaninally-Challenged Americans v. TAN-acious Sunless Creme, Inc., was as hard-working and spirited a soul as you'd ever care to meet, despite having the unfortunately permanent complexion of a baked yam. No, Jack's "true colors" were shown last week in a drunken mess all over a strange woman's bathroom floor (see Courtroom, 7/19, Prosecution Pt. 2), and his colors ran just as true today as he refused to answer any of my attorney's questions in plain English. I'm sorry, but Judge Mead was right this time--speaking in that slang-filled squeaky-talk may be good enough for the gang of street punks in Chad's Circle, but not in a court of law.

It's just sad to see what being "jumped-in" to one of these Circles can entail: a one-way ticket to the Big House. For his/its sake, I just hope Jack soon learns how to say, "The bottom bunk is all yours, sir!"

*"Friend" in the "let's share a lawsuit" sense, not the "let's share a kidney" sense. And no, I don't want you to sign my yearbook.

by Edward Maxwell Von Houten on July 26, 2006