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May the swelling never go down!
This past Independence Day weekend left me swelling like a plump, freshly-grilled, all-beef hot dog with American pride. As I gazed out past the wrought-iron gates of my humble 18-bedroom home, I saw evidence everywhere of my past court victories that make this nation great: wieners and buns that now both come eight to a package; firecrackers snapping away, their wrappers now bearing the order "Get away!" in addition to "Light fuse."; seedless watermelons. The crowds even stayed far enough away from my property line that I didn’t have to drag out the fire hose this year. Ah, good times indeed.
But "friends," when I entered the courtroom this morning and saw Chad shrugging through his innocent little schoolboy act, I could feel my pride shrivel into a crusty, wrinkled, salty mass, like...well, like yesterday's hot dog. How could I possibly be from the same great nation as this degenerate little twerp? How could I reconcile my respect for good old-fashioned American law and order with Chad's desire to turn the US of A into a teeming mass of anarchic zombies? Then I remembered that part of what makes this nation great is that it allows morons like Chad to think whatever ridiculous notions they desire, at least until those notions are struck down by me in a court of law. The swelling returned.
The swelling went down slightly again as the misguided citizen calling himself "V" took the stand, but American pride rushed into me once again in a throbbing, turgid mass as my attorney called the number listed in V's phone records. Never before had the dangers of My Circle's insidious scheme of inter-network fraternization been more clearly or plainly illustrated as when Chad's phone erupted in that ridiculous ringtone. Rather than the usual unsavory connotations the song's lewd solicitation left in my mind, "Come and Get Your Love" now sounded like a victory march and Chad's swan song, all rolled into one. If I still had cartilage in my knees, I would have danced in that courtroom.
About midway through V's testimony, I realized that the swelling sensation I'd been feeling had actually been caused by a boil on the back of my neck, but this did not diminish my enthusiasm one bit. And although I'll probably have to go to the doctor and have it lanced, no such deflation will befall my pride in what makes America great: suing the pants (or jumpsuit and horn-rimmed spectacles, if necessary) off someone until you get your own way. Join the People Against My Circle Foundation, and YOU can get my own way, too!