Unwashed masses: I am just like you!

My attorney suggested that in an effort to relate to you common people and get you on my side, I should keep a blog. I told him I had no interest in pets, especially genetically altered ones I'd never even heard of. Then he told me it wasn't a pet at all, that "blog" was actually short for "weblog." One blank stare later, he explained that a weblog is like a diary that is posted publicly on the internet. The thought of a grown man keeping a diary like a weepy, pimply-faced teenage girl made me nauseous, but when my attorney quickly rephrased it as being more like "minutes from a meeting," I took my finger off the silent alarm button under my desk and allowed him to keep his job. So, here you go, people, lap up my blog like the 44-ounce cola you so crave:

5/28/2006: Chad at Alltel is seen on television, bowling with friends from other wireless networks. The dire global ramifications of such "friendships" are immediately clear.

5/29/2006: I call my attorney, T.R. DeBano, explain the potential disaster to him, and ask if I have a case. He asks if I'll be paying him on contingency or up-front. After wiring him a five-figure retainer advance, he agrees that I have excellent grounds for a class-action lawsuit.

6/01/2006: I settle on the name for our organization, after my focus group reacts less-than-positively to "Foundation of People Against My Circle," "Against My Circle Are People Founded," and "Chad Must Die, Inc."

6/19/2006: Chad served with subpoena.

6/30/2006: PAMCF.com is launched, giving focus and meaning to your heretofore pointless existence. You're welcome!

by Edward Maxwell Von Houten on June 30, 2006